Heterosexual Black Feminist

[Iresha]

Peace QBG’s,

I am a proud, unapologetic Black Feminist. I am also heterosexual. While I personally know a handful of Black Feminists—they are all Lesbians (I am most definitely not saying that they do not have problems with their partners), I have had major problems with [Black] men understanding my Feminism, while I have to watch some of my White heterosexual Feminists friends in long term relationships with men. It’s very disappointing.

While my Sistah friends who are not feminist tell me constantly that my pro-Women ideologies are not going to hold up with any man in a long term relationship and with my track record I am starting to see that this may be true...but somewhere inside of me, I am optimistic that I will meet a man that will acknowledge and accept me with my Feminism too. Are there any QBGs in here who are Black Feminist AND are also in a healthy relationship with a man?

I hope other Sistahs who are heterosexual Black feminist can share their stories.

Peace!
---Iresha

[Colored Girl]

Me! I'm am most definitely a feminist and am outspoken about it. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and he's fine with it. He even shares some of my ideals. However, he's white. I hope this didn't burst your bubble. I have good news though! I've known black men who are fine with and even encourage feminist thought in black women. You just have to find the right ones. Go to poetry readings, neo-soul-concerts. Men who attend these functions are most likely open minded enough to accept/agree with feminism ♥

[Iresha]

Great to hear...and I am quite open minded to date across the racial spectrum : ) Actually, I am open to date white men, but that's another post.



Colored Girl said:

Me! I'm am most definitely a feminist and am outspoken about it. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and he's fine with it. He even shares some of my ideals. However, he's white. I hope this didn't burst your bubble. I have good news though! I've known black men who are fine with and even encourage feminist thought in black women. You just have to find the right ones. Go to poetry readings, neo-soul-concerts. Men who attend these functions are most likely open minded enough to accept/agree with feminism ♥

[Kalonjika]

Yes-
What I am about to say will probably not contribute to the conversation (because I am basically repeating the same things were previously mentioned), but-

I am a black feminist who is loved and adored by my boyfriend.
My white boyfriend.

However, as I become more and more involved with student activism, I am realizing that there are far more "quirky black boys" in search for their own "quirky black girls" than I had previously thought -- feminism being desired and required. So, in an effort to still bring something to the table, I will suggest extending the poetry readings and neo-soul concerts to include activism-related events.

P.S.
I feel you though- being what seems like the only Black feminist on campus can get preeeeeety lonely sometimes. And tiring.

[Ebony]

It's always easier for white girls to find someone, whether they are obese, have kids or are feminists, that's just something I have had to come to terms with. It's good that you are open to dating all sorts of men. It's always better to cast a wider net than to fish in a shallow pond. I say that feminist sensibilities are a good weeding out tactic for decent men because why would you want to date a man without such ideals? Also I think black women's willingness to date non-black will force black men to evolve in terms of their views of gender relations. Some, not all of them, are very retro in terms of gender relations, and black women who refuse to consider dating more open-minded men allow them to remain that way.

[Colored Girl]

Most def.

Ebony said:

It's always easier for white girls to find someone, whether they are obese, have kids or are feminists, that's just something I have had to come to terms with. It's good that you are open to dating all sorts of men. It's always better to cast a wider net than to fish in a shallow pond. I say that feminist sensibilities are a good weeding out tactic for decent men because why would you want to date a man without such ideals? Also I think black women's willingness to date non-black will force black men to evolve in terms of their views of gender relations. Some, not all of them, are very retro in terms of gender relations, and black women who refuse to consider dating more open-minded men allow them to remain that way.

[Fazette]

as unapologetic as you are for being a black feminist iresha-we as feminist, quirky black women should be able to easily say we are dating someone male and white. as i read responses to your post, it seems almost as if there is indeed a stigma attached with dating outside of your race. i think that if we position love not as conditional or depending on who is listening or who hears, then anyone and everyone could and should know that you are in love and capable of loving, regardless of who you love. i wonder if this kind of movement would ever surface within our community.

while i do feel like you should love your most likely attentive, caring, affectionate, handome boyfriend, i would rather have not read, that the love that you share would burst someone's bubble.

why do we think as women we do this?

[Moya]

As a queer black feminist whose desire transcends a binary gender construction, I've thought about these issues too. I know a couple of awesome black feminist men who are so sweet and nice. In my experience these dudes are also a bit shy and somehow don't always end up with feminist women but being the good loyal guys they are, they tend to stick it out. I'm thinking of three dudes in particular. I have to say that they are slightly closeted about their feminist ideals because of how black masculinity is generally policed. two were regular members of the feminist group on my undergrad campus, and weren't on some mac(k)ademic (thanks lex) gaming when present.

i often think about and wish to challenge traditional ways of partnering too. why does a healthy relationship always mean partnership? why is partnership also read as the ultimate goal for relating to a person? Not saying this is what ya'll were saying, this convo just raised that for me. I think if you walk through life in truth, you will encounter those who are doing the same

[omi]

yes...i've been with my honey for many of the last 6 years. he considers himself a feminist, and he's black.

i think that there are several brothas who are afraid of the term "feminist" (for whatever reason--maybe because they think it can only apply to women?), but when you talk to them, their politics/reading list actually matches up.

i've never had an issue with a man because i call myself a feminist and/or womanist (i prefer the latter)--but i have had a sista or two raise an eyebrow when the topic comes up. i've never dated outside my race (just never came up), so i'm definitely talking about 10+ years of dealing with black men.

the key, usually, is black men who are thinking consciously, but also past the stage where they need a form of sociopolitical theory/spirituality that bolsters the male ego/principle at the expense of the feminine.

visit http://fem-men-ist.blogspot.com/ and http://jewelwoods.com/ if you're interested in actively anti-sexist black male thought. the blogger @ fem-men-ist refers to himself as a "straight ally", so i'd assume he's hetero. i'm not sure if jewel is or not.

i've also had some interesting convos w/ this brotha: www.myspace.com/sehusaywhat. he's very into the divine feminine, etc.

so, yes, they are out there!

[Iresha]

Thanks for the info sis. I will check out that blog and that myspace page.
Peace.

omi said:

yes...i've been with my honey for many of the last 6 years. he considers himself a feminist, and he's black.

i think that there are several brothas who are afraid of the term "feminist" (for whatever reason--maybe because they think it can only apply to women?), but when you talk to them, their politics/reading list actually matches up.

i've never had an issue with a man because i call myself a feminist and/or womanist (i prefer the latter)--but i have had a sista or two raise an eyebrow when the topic comes up. i've never dated outside my race (just never came up), so i'm definitely talking about 10+ years of dealing with black men.

the key, usually, is black men who are thinking consciously, but also past the stage where they need a form of sociopolitical theory/spirituality that bolsters the male ego/principle at the expense of the feminine.

visit http://fem-men-ist.blogspot.com/ and http://jewelwoods.com/ if you're interested in actively anti-sexist black male thought. the blogger @ fem-men-ist refers to himself as a "straight ally", so i'd assume he's hetero. i'm not sure if jewel is or not.

i've also had some interesting convos w/ this brotha: www.myspace.com/sehusaywhat. he's very into the divine feminine, etc.

so, yes, they are out there!

[Jannae P]

Hey girl!

I am most definitely a fellow heterosexual black feminist. My mother (though she doesnt know it) contributed greatly to the way I view women, especially black women. I have a boyfriend who is white. He's fine with my ideals. I don't have much experience with black men whom were open to the way I think but I know for a FACT that they are out there (and awaiting their Queens!). Good luck with everything.

[Moya]

more on dating white boys here

[M.dot]

As a Black Feminist this conversation hits me straight in the heart.

It wasn't until I ran around Bed Stuy last summer with a white man,
that I learned the extent and scope that Black women are treated like property in the Black community.
I was floored at the looks that we received on the street. Then when my partner
said, "Oh, you getting the looks because you don't have a right to choose, you
belong to the community", I began to seriously develop a critical lens to
analyze the ways in which Black women are treated in the street.
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I feel you on your homies saying that your politics will have an impact on your dating options.
However, I will say this, this man, this white dude, has done more that I could have ever
expected to challenge me on my ideas about gender, race and class.

My experiences walking down the street with him have allowed
me to think about the ways in which I could be harassed by Black
people in the Black community if I were walking down the street with
my girlfriend/partner.
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In terms of being in a healthy relationship. I am going to go ahead an ride for vulnerability.
As a whole, yes the relationship is healthy. Healthy as in, today, he makes his spiritual growth his number one priority every day, and I make mine my number one priority ever day. In the past, as in last summer, No it was not healthy, largely because I handed myself over to him in the beginning of the relationship, without being clear about what I needed. Had me asking him "Who 'dat Harpo?" about another woman. This Black girl prays to God that I will never do that again. I have learned that if I don't have my own rules, I avail myself to be governed by someone else's.

Peep game tho, this is the dude with some of the most radical politics that I have ever seen.
Even with awesome radical politic's had some real patriarchal ways in terms of trying to
deal with women in a way that ensured that he was the least vulnerable party. Let me be clear, I am not a victim. None of us are.

To say the lease, it was a learning experience from both of us. When he decided align his words with his politcs and his polittics to his relationship choices, I was ready to get down and say, you know what? You don't have to be perfect you just have to have the willingness to love and the willingness to ask for courage.

What I know today, is that we are our contradictions, and that the reconciliation of said contradictions
and the development of new ones are what help us be more human humans.

In sum. My experience has shown me that healthy is possible. Healthy is a whole lotta work.